I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.