guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel great
I just peed on a car
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.