grandma shit on top of the toilet
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
