just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
