Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
