There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
