don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
