are you still at the devil's house?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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