bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
