Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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