what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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