i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
