i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
