So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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