if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
