I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
