You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
