And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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