Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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