if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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