around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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