Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
