I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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