The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
dude. I can hear the air.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
