you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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