you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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