woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
