I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
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I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize