I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
