dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
