Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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