Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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