Ambien. No doubt about it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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