I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
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My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.