dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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