I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
areolas are like halos for boobs.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.