I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.