i already hear my dad disowning me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
