well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
