I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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