Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
