I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
