You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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