If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
