Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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