I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
