Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
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She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
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I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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