god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
