In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
