P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
