i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
we're making bets on your personal life
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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