dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
