I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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