She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am naked and annoyed.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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