I am in a vortex of obligation.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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