Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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