I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
