I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
